Medium Rare
Music by Arthur Kegerreis
Book and Lyrics by Mitch Glaser
Story by Arthur Kegerreis and Mitch Glaser

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(Listen to OPENING DIALOGUE)

(The MEDIUM enters a room furnished with table and chairs. He begins to place and arrange objects on the table while talking to himself.)

MEDIUM

Let's see, crystal ball, tarot cards, candles, incense... all the tools of the trade. Of course, they’re all just props. No, there’s no magic to being a psychic. It’s more like being the neighborhood therapist. Some of my customers are looking for a friendly shoulder to cry on, other just need a little good advice. Either way they get their money’s worth. Along with a dash of show business to dress it up.

Mostly I just tell them what they want to hear. A little careful observation, a couple of shrewd guesses, and you can tell people things about themselves that they never imagined anyone else knew. All of which they unknowingly revealed to you in the first place. (A knock on the door is heard.) And here are this evening’s guests. I’ll just listen in on them while I’m getting dressed, and I’ll know everything I need to know before we even get started! (The Medium calls out to the people offstage) The MEDIUM will be with you in a few moments. Please make yourself comfortable.

(The MEDIUM retreats to the back of the stage, getting dressed while he eavesdrops on the couple that enters.)

NADINE

What a dump. Are you sure this is the place?

SAM

Yes, Nadine, I'm sure. By the way, did I mention how pretty you look tonight?

NADINE

Three times. Look, Sam, we are not on a date. You told me you needed my help to arrest a dangerous criminal.

SAM

He is dangerous, Nadine. I suspect that this guy is a fraud and a thief and I’m going to catch him in the act.

NADINE

Well, busting a palm reader was not what I had in mind. Sam, you made this up to trick me into going out with you!

SAM

No, Nadine. I needed a cover story for this operation and you're part of it.

NADINE

Give it up, will you Sam? I told you a hundred times I would never go out with you. You're just too much of a boy scout. I like wilder game.

(Listen to BAD BOYS)
(NADINE and SAM sing BAD BOYS.)

 

BAD BOYS

NADINE

As a schoolgirl I was always

Lingering in the hallways

Smoking cigarettes and chewing gum

Waiting for my Mr. Wrong to come

I love punks who ride on motorbikes

Drunks nobody's mother likes

Because the touch of danger is a thrill

But they love me then they leave me with the bill

Bad Boys, wounded and needy

Bad Boys, grasping and greedy

Tearing at my heart until it breaks

I know, that their careers are checkered

I know, I'm like a broken record

Endlessly repeating my mistakes

SAM

Nice Guys, why don't you take a chance on

Nice Guys, you might just keep your pants on

Longer than it takes to learn his name

I know, I'd never make you cry

I know, that people think a nice guy

Always comes in last when love's the game

NADINE

Nice guys are so depressing

Dull as salad without dressing

And though the bad boys might leave me in pain

At least they never fail to entertain

  • (Listen to DIALOGUE 2)
  • MEDIUM

    That cop is out to get me! But I know how to deal with him. This is going to be fun.

    (A second couple enters the room.)

    HENRY

    This is a huge waste of time and money. Oh! I didn't realize there was anybody here.

    EUNICE

    Hello, we're the Wurtzbergs. I'm Eunice and this is Henry.

    HENRY

    Hello.

    SAM

    Hi! I'm Sam Fraction and this is my fiancée Nadine Plymouth.

    NADINE

    Since when?

    SAM

    Please, Nadine. We're here to get my late mother's blessing on our marriage

    NADINE

    (shrugs) Hiya.

    EUNICE

    How sweet! Congratulations. Henry and I have been married for a year. We're here to get some, well, advice.

    NADINE

    (over her shoulder to Sam) "Separate beds!"

    (Eunice and Henry give her a dirty look, Sam is mortified.)

    HENRY

    (scowling) I told you there was no reason to come here and air our dirty laundry, Eunice! This is bunch of hooey!

    (Listen to MEDIUM RARE)

    (The MEDIUM enters with a flourish, now dressed in turban, robe and gloves)

    MEDIUM

    I beg your pardon good sir, but I assure you that this is anything but 'hooey'! I will have you know that I am a world-famous medium and an accomplished practitioner of all the spiritual arts!

    EUNICE

    Really! What can you do?

    (The MEDIUM sings MEDIUM RARE.)

     

     

    MEDIUM RARE

     

    MEDIUM

    I am a Medium rare

    Do try your best not to stare

    For a buck and a quarter

    I'll walk upon water

    If need be I'll fly through the air

    HENRY

    Sure you will!

    EUNICE

    Quiet, Henry!

    MEDIUM

    I am a Medium rare

    With magical powers to spare

    You can call me a mystic

    Or spiritualistic

    Or psychic I don't really care

    If you have brought me some thorny conundrum

    Finding the answer for me will be humdrum

    Though you may find my methods inscrutable

    I can provide you results irrefutable

    So if you are burdened with care

    Take heart and do not despair

    Fear no reprimand

    Your savior's at hand

    For I am a Medium rare

     (Listen to DIALOGUE 3)

    MEDIUM

    How may I help you good people?

    SAM

    I would like to speak with my dear departed mother.

    MEDIUM

    Conversing with the dead? Very difficult!

    SAM

    Then you can’t do it?

    MEDIUM

    Of course I can! But this will require a séance. Please take your seats around the table. You two gracious ladies please sit on either side of me and take hold of my hands. Once I go into trance I sometimes become a little unstable, so do hold on tightly. Let us begin.

    (Listen to INVOCATION / EVERY MOTHER'S SON)
    (The MEDIUM sings the INVOCATION.)

     

     

    INVOCATION

     

    MEDIUM

    Spirits of the underworld awake

    Shun the darkness, turn and face the light

    Hearken to the dread demands I make

    Open the forbidden door and loose the winds of night

    Spirits of the underworld appear

    Let the ancient mysteries unfold

    I call upon you, shades of hope and fear,

    Answer now our questions and let the truth be told

     

    (The Medium’s voice rises to a higher pitch as he channels the spirit of Sam’s mother and sings Every Mother’s Son)

    EVERY MOTHER'S SON

     

    MOTHER

    Such a strange sensation

    A noble elevation

    Like floating in a pool of deepest blue

    I hear a voice that calls to me

    Awake from timeless reverie

    Who disturbs my rest eternal, who?

    SAM

    Mother, It's me! Oh its so good to hear your voice!

    EUNICE

    Henry, I’m frightened!

    MOTHER

    Samuel is it really you?

    I'm getting such a hazy view

    Like looking through a veil at cloudy skies

    I'd know those buckteeth anywhere

    That weak chin, that receding hair

    How could I forget those beady eyes?

    SAM

    Did you lose your glasses, mother?

    HENRY

    That’s him all right!

    MOTHER

    And who's this girl beside you?

    Could she be your ingenue?

    You shrewdly picked the perfect man my dear

    No son was ever more devoted

    Obedient and sugar-coated

    You'll have him fully trained inside a year

    SAM

    Wait a minute!

    NADINE

    Do go on Mrs. Fraction!

    MOTHER

    Do not fear your wedding night

    At least Samuel can wear white

    I’m sure you’ll find he’s pure as driven snow

    Though adolescence came and went he

    Wet the bed till he was twenty

    He’s been damp more times than Jacques Cousteau

     

     

     (Listen to DIALOGUE 4)

    SAM

    Thank you very MUCH, mother. That's quite enough!

    NADINE

    No, please continue!

    SAM

    We got her blessing, let the old bat rest!

    MOTHER

    The great beyond calls me back to its infinite reaches. My grip on this world is slipping. Goodbye, my son, be well!

    SAM

    Yes, yes, goodbye mother!

    (The Medium sways and appears confused for a moment before continuing on in his regular voice.)

    MEDIUM

    How was the seance? Did you find what you sought?

    NADINE

    It was very revealing, but don't you remember anything?

    MEDIUM

    No, I am not present when I am channeling the spirits. I recall nothing.

    SAM

    Good!

    MEDIUM

    Well, then let us see what we can do for our other supplicants. I see that you two are already members of a holy bond.

    EUNICE

    Yes, we are.

    MEDIUM

    Then what is it you seek?

    EUNICE

    Well, when we were first married, we used to... you know... bond... all the time!

    HENRY

    EUNICE!

    MEDIUM

    I understand. The initial fires of your union have grown cold.

     

    EUNICE

    Yes! And I want a baby!

    HENRY

    A baby! You never told me that!

    MEDIUM

    Be not ashamed, good sir. Partners often have difficulty communicating. It is a most common complaint.

    NADINE

    I'll say!

    EUNICE

    Then you can help?

    MEDIUM

    Indeed I can, madam, if your good husband will deign to participate.

    HENRY

    Sure, sure, whatever. Let's just get this over with.

    MEDIUM

    Excellent. To rekindle the flames of passion in your minds we will use creative visualization. I will help you construct the correct mental images, then what you FEEL is true shall become REAL!

    (MEDIUM, EUNICE and HENRY sing BANQUET. During the first verse, as he describes the banquet table, the Medium leads Eunice and Henry to the front of the stage. During the second verse, the Medium poses Eunice and Henry while suggesting the kinds of foods that they represent. While posing Henry, the Medium picks his pocket and very visibly takes his wallet. Later, as the song heats up, the Medium very visibly places the wallet in Sam’s coat which is hanging on the back of his chair.)

     (Listen to BANQUET)

     

    BANQUET

     

    MEDIUM

    Imagine for a moment, a banquet table deep and wide

    Heaped with rare and lucious fare of rich enticing flavor

    Now see yourselves as gourmet morsels, set on crystal plates

    Tempting one another to nibble on and savor

    Madam is oysters on the half shell, open and inviting

    Glistening on a frosty bed of ice

    EUNICE

    Oh, I love raw oysters!

    HENRY

    But what am I?

    NADINE

    Chopped liver?

    MEDIUM

    Monsieur is brave asparagus, rampant and exciting,

    Thrusting over hollandaise and rice

    MEDIUM

    Now you two try. Describe the kind of dish you would like your partner to be.

    EUNICE

    You're a farm fresh ear of corn, topped with golden silk

    HENRY

    You're a pair of coconuts, all abrim with milk

    EUNICE

    You're a loaf of fine French bread, pride of old Paris

    HENRY

    You're a cup of creamy butter, spread all over me

    EUNICE

    You're Italian dry salami, packed with spicy meat

    HENRY

    You're a silky chocolate mousse, smooth and exquisite

    EUNICE

    You're a virile Caesar salad, conquering the Nile

     

    HENRY

    You're a stack of Crepe Suzette, a sweet and sticky pile

    EUNICE

    Oh Henry!

    I feel a hunger

    That I haven’t felt in ages

    I hope that its contagious

    Tell me you’re ravenous, do!

    HENRY

    Oh Eunice!

    I’m dying of a thirst

    That only you can quench

    Come be my serving wench

    And we’ll have a tumbler or two!

    MEDIUM

    We have been through all the courses

    Entree to desert so sweet

    Now you two must pool resources

    And the feast will be complete!

     

    (Henry and Eunice embrace passionately, ignoring the others in the room until the medium interrupts them by clearing his throat.)

    (Listen to DIALOGUE 5)

    MEDIUM

    Stay your consumption but a moment, dear friends. This is not a seemly place for such a repast. And alas, the time has come that I must sorrowfully part company with you good people.

    SAM

    So soon?

    MEDIUM

    Indeed. We are all but done. There is only the small matter of payment.

    HENRY

    Yes, of course! More than happy to pay, then Eunice and I will be heading home.

    EUNICE

    If we make it home! We may have to check into a motel!

    (HENRY reaches into his coat, then checks all his pockets, finding his wallet is missing.)

    HENRY

    What the heck! My wallet is gone!

    SAM

    Aha! I have you now, you fake! You stole that man's wallet, and made up a pack of lies about me!

    MEDIUM

    Me, sir? I assure you I have done nothing of the sort!

    SAM

    Yes you did! I don't even have a dead mother!

    NADINE

    That makes you a liar, not him.

    SAM

    I'm not a liar! I'm a policeman!

    MEDIUM

    I assume you can prove that?

    SAM

    Here's my badge.

    (SAM reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out HENRY's wallet.)

    HENRY

    Hey! That's my wallet! What are you doing with that?

     

    NADINE

    Sam Fraction! You are not only a liar, but a thief as well! A crooked cop!

    MEDIUM

    And how does that make you feel, Nadine?

    NADINE

    (pauses) Aroused. In a very familiar way.

    SAM

    Aroused? You mean?

    NADINE

    Yep. Something inside me smells a bad, bad boy.

    SAM

    Does that mean you'll go out with me?

    NADINE

    Sure, why not. Hanging around with you could be more exciting than I thought.

    SAM

    Oh absolutely! Maximum excitement! We could... rob a bank!

    NADINE

    Whoa! Slow down Jesse James! Maybe we oughta start with jaywalking.

    SAM

    (to Medium) Doc, I take back everything I said. You’re a miracle worker!

    MEDIUM

    Many thanks, but my part in this was small. All I did was to help you to see each other in a new way.

    (Listen to THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN)
    (The entire cast sing THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN.)

     

     

    THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN

     

    SAM and NADINE

    We're not really strangers

    But I have the strangest deja vu

    It feels like I'm meeting you

    For the first time all over again

    HENRY and EUNICE

    We're not really strangers

    Though nothing has changed so very much

    I can't wait to feel your touch

    For the first time all over again

    MEDIUM

    Now that you know

    Don't ever forget

    All people hide

    Many faces inside

    EUNICE

    My Caeser!

    HENRY

    Ah! My sweet Suzette!

    ALL

    We're not really strangers

    So let's rearrange an old expression

    We can make a good impression

    For the first time all over again

     

    End.