Medium Rare

Music by Arthur Kegerreis
Book and Lyrics by Mitch Glaser
Story by
Arthur Kegerreis and Mitch Glaser

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(Listen to OPENING DIALOGUE)

(The MEDIUM enters a room furnished with table and chairs. He begins to place and arrange objects on the table while talking to himself.)

MEDIUM

Let’s see, crystal ball, tarot cards, candles, incense… all the tools of the trade. Of course, they’re all just props. No, there’s no magic to being a psychic. It’s more like being the neighborhood therapist. Some of my customers are looking for a friendly shoulder to cry on, other just need a little good advice. Either way they get their money’s worth. Along with a dash of show business to dress it up.

Mostly I just tell them what they want to hear. A little careful observation, a couple of shrewd guesses, and you can tell people things about themselves that they never imagined anyone else knew. All of which they unknowingly revealed to you in the first place. (A knock on the door is heard.) And here are this evening’s guests. I’ll just listen in on them while I’m getting dressed, and I’ll know everything I need to know before we even get started! (The Medium calls out to the people offstage) The MEDIUM will be with you in a few moments. Please make yourself comfortable.

(The MEDIUM retreats to the back of the stage, getting dressed while he eavesdrops on the couple that enters.)

NADINE

What a dump. Are you sure this is the place?

SAM

Yes, Nadine, I’m sure. By the way, did I mention how pretty you look tonight?

NADINE

Three times. Look, Sam, we are not on a date. You told me you needed my help to arrest a dangerous criminal.

SAM

He is dangerous, Nadine. I suspect that this guy is a fraud and a thief and I’m going to catch him in the act.

NADINE

Well, busting a palm reader was not what I had in mind. Sam, you made this up to trick me into going out with you!

SAM

No, Nadine. I needed a cover story for this operation and you’re part of it.

NADINE

Give it up, will you Sam? I told you a hundred times I would never go out with you. You’re just too much of a boy scout. I like wilder game.

(Listen to BAD BOYS)
(NADINE and SAM sing BAD BOYS.)

BAD BOYS

NADINE

As a schoolgirl I was always

Lingering in the hallways

Smoking cigarettes and chewing gum

Waiting for my Mr. Wrong to come

I love punks who ride on motorbikes

Drunks nobody’s mother likes

Because the touch of danger is a thrill

But they love me then they leave me with the bill

Bad Boys, wounded and needy

Bad Boys, grasping and greedy

Tearing at my heart until it breaks

I know, that their careers are checkered

I know, I’m like a broken record

Endlessly repeating my mistakes

SAM

Nice Guys, why don’t you take a chance on

Nice Guys, you might just keep your pants on

Longer than it takes to learn his name

I know, I’d never make you cry

I know, that people think a nice guy

Always comes in last when love’s the game

NADINE

Nice guys are so depressing

Dull as salad without dressing

And though the bad boys might leave me in pain

At least they never fail to entertain

(Listen to DIALOGUE 2)

MEDIUM

That cop is out to get me! But I know how to deal with him. This is going to be fun.

(A second couple enters the room.)

HENRY

This is a huge waste of time and money. Oh! I didn’t realize there was anybody here.

EUNICE

Hello, we’re the Wurtzbergs. I’m Eunice and this is Henry.

HENRY

Hello.

SAM

Hi! I’m Sam Fraction and this is my fiancée Nadine Plymouth.

NADINE

Since when?

SAM

Please, Nadine. We’re here to get my late mother’s blessing on our marriage

NADINE

(shrugs) Hiya.

EUNICE

How sweet! Congratulations. Henry and I have been married for a year. We’re here to get some, well, advice.

NADINE

(over her shoulder to Sam) “Separate beds!”

(Eunice and Henry give her a dirty look, Sam is mortified.)

HENRY

(scowling) I told you there was no reason to come here and air our dirty laundry, Eunice! This is bunch of hooey!

(Listen to MEDIUM RARE)

(The MEDIUM enters with a flourish, now dressed in turban, robe and gloves)

MEDIUM

I beg your pardon good sir, but I assure you that this is anything but ‘hooey’! I will have you know that I am a world-famous medium and an accomplished practitioner of all the spiritual arts!

EUNICE

Really! What can you do?

(The MEDIUM sings MEDIUM RARE.)

MEDIUM RARE

MEDIUM

I am a Medium rare

Do try your best not to stare

For a buck and a quarter

I’ll walk upon water

If need be I’ll fly through the air

HENRY

Sure you will!

EUNICE

Quiet, Henry!

MEDIUM

I am a Medium rare

With magical powers to spare

You can call me a mystic

Or spiritualistic

Or psychic I don’t really care

If you have brought me some thorny conundrum

Finding the answer for me will be humdrum

Though you may find my methods inscrutable

I can provide you results irrefutable

So if you are burdened with care

Take heart and do not despair

Fear no reprimand

Your savior’s at hand

For I am a Medium rare

 (Listen to DIALOGUE 3)

MEDIUM

How may I help you good people?

SAM

I would like to speak with my dear departed mother.

MEDIUM

Conversing with the dead? Very difficult!

SAM

Then you can’t do it?

MEDIUM

Of course I can! But this will require a séance. Please take your seats around the table. You two gracious ladies please sit on either side of me and take hold of my hands. Once I go into trance I sometimes become a little unstable, so do hold on tightly. Let us begin.

(Listen to INVOCATION / EVERY MOTHER’S SON)
(The MEDIUM sings the INVOCATION.)

INVOCATION

MEDIUM

Spirits of the underworld awake

Shun the darkness, turn and face the light

Hearken to the dread demands I make

Open the forbidden door and loose the winds of night

Spirits of the underworld appear

Let the ancient mysteries unfold

I call upon you, shades of hope and fear,

Answer now our questions and let the truth be told

(The Medium’s voice rises to a higher pitch as he channels the spirit of Sam’s mother and sings Every Mother’s Son)

EVERY MOTHER’S SON

MOTHER

Such a strange sensation

A noble elevation

Like floating in a pool of deepest blue

I hear a voice that calls to me

Awake from timeless reverie

Who disturbs my rest eternal, who?

SAM

Mother, It’s me! Oh its so good to hear your voice!

EUNICE

Henry, I’m frightened!

MOTHER

Samuel is it really you?

I’m getting such a hazy view

Like looking through a veil at cloudy skies

I’d know those buckteeth anywhere

That weak chin, that receding hair

How could I forget those beady eyes?

SAM

Did you lose your glasses, mother?

HENRY

That’s him all right!

MOTHER

And who’s this girl beside you?

Could she be your ingenue?

You shrewdly picked the perfect man my dear

No son was ever more devoted

Obedient and sugar-coated

You’ll have him fully trained inside a year

SAM

Wait a minute!

NADINE

Do go on Mrs. Fraction!

MOTHER

Do not fear your wedding night

At least Samuel can wear white

I’m sure you’ll find he’s pure as driven snow

Though adolescence came and went he

Wet the bed till he was twenty

He’s been damp more times than Jacques Cousteau

 (Listen to DIALOGUE 4)

SAM

Thank you very MUCH, mother. That’s quite enough!

NADINE

No, please continue!

SAM

We got her blessing, let the old bat rest!

MOTHER

The great beyond calls me back to its infinite reaches. My grip on this world is slipping. Goodbye, my son, be well!

SAM

Yes, yes, goodbye mother!

(The Medium sways and appears confused for a moment before continuing on in his regular voice.)

MEDIUM

How was the seance? Did you find what you sought?

NADINE

It was very revealing, but don’t you remember anything?

MEDIUM

No, I am not present when I am channeling the spirits. I recall nothing.

SAM

Good!

MEDIUM

Well, then let us see what we can do for our other supplicants. I see that you two are already members of a holy bond.

EUNICE

Yes, we are.

MEDIUM

Then what is it you seek?

EUNICE

Well, when we were first married, we used to… you know… bond… all the time!

HENRY

EUNICE!

MEDIUM

I understand. The initial fires of your union have grown cold.

EUNICE

Yes! And I want a baby!

HENRY

A baby! You never told me that!

MEDIUM

Be not ashamed, good sir. Partners often have difficulty communicating. It is a most common complaint.

NADINE

I’ll say!

EUNICE

Then you can help?

MEDIUM

Indeed I can, madam, if your good husband will deign to participate.

HENRY

Sure, sure, whatever. Let’s just get this over with.

MEDIUM

Excellent. To rekindle the flames of passion in your minds we will use creative visualization. I will help you construct the correct mental images, then what you FEEL is true shall become REAL!

(MEDIUM, EUNICE and HENRY sing BANQUET. During the first verse, as he describes the banquet table, the Medium leads Eunice and Henry to the front of the stage. During the second verse, the Medium poses Eunice and Henry while suggesting the kinds of foods that they represent. While posing Henry, the Medium picks his pocket and very visibly takes his wallet. Later, as the song heats up, the Medium very visibly places the wallet in Sam’s coat which is hanging on the back of his chair.)

 (Listen to BANQUET)

BANQUET

MEDIUM

Imagine for a moment, a banquet table deep and wide

Heaped with rare and lucious fare of rich enticing flavor

Now see yourselves as gourmet morsels, set on crystal plates

Tempting one another to nibble on and savor

Madam is oysters on the half shell, open and inviting

Glistening on a frosty bed of ice

EUNICE

Oh, I love raw oysters!

HENRY

But what am I?

NADINE

Chopped liver?

MEDIUM

Monsieur is brave asparagus, rampant and exciting,

Thrusting over hollandaise and rice

MEDIUM

Now you two try. Describe the kind of dish you would like your partner to be.

EUNICE

You’re a farm fresh ear of corn, topped with golden silk

HENRY

You’re a pair of coconuts, all abrim with milk

EUNICE

You’re a loaf of fine French bread, pride of old Paris

HENRY

You’re a cup of creamy butter, spread all over me

EUNICE

You’re Italian dry salami, packed with spicy meat

HENRY

You’re a silky chocolate mousse, smooth and exquisite

EUNICE

You’re a virile Caesar salad, conquering the Nile

HENRY

You’re a stack of Crepe Suzette, a sweet and sticky pile

EUNICE

Oh Henry!

I feel a hunger

That I haven’t felt in ages

I hope that its contagious

Tell me you’re ravenous, do!

HENRY

Oh Eunice!

I’m dying of a thirst

That only you can quench

Come be my serving wench

And we’ll have a tumbler or two!

MEDIUM

We have been through all the courses

Entree to desert so sweet

Now you two must pool resources

And the feast will be complete!

(Henry and Eunice embrace passionately, ignoring the others in the room until the medium interrupts them by clearing his throat.)

(Listen to DIALOGUE 5)

MEDIUM

Stay your consumption but a moment, dear friends. This is not a seemly place for such a repast. And alas, the time has come that I must sorrowfully part company with you good people.

SAM

So soon?

MEDIUM

Indeed. We are all but done. There is only the small matter of payment.

HENRY

Yes, of course! More than happy to pay, then Eunice and I will be heading home.

EUNICE

If we make it home! We may have to check into a motel!

(HENRY reaches into his coat, then checks all his pockets, finding his wallet is missing.)

HENRY

What the heck! My wallet is gone!

SAM

Aha! I have you now, you fake! You stole that man’s wallet, and made up a pack of lies about me!

MEDIUM

Me, sir? I assure you I have done nothing of the sort!

SAM

Yes you did! I don’t even have a dead mother!

NADINE

That makes you a liar, not him.

SAM

I’m not a liar! I’m a policeman!

MEDIUM

I assume you can prove that?

SAM

Here’s my badge.

(SAM reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out HENRY’s wallet.)

HENRY

Hey! That’s my wallet! What are you doing with that?

NADINE

Sam Fraction! You are not only a liar, but a thief as well! A crooked cop!

MEDIUM

And how does that make you feel, Nadine?

NADINE

(pauses) Aroused. In a very familiar way.

SAM

Aroused? You mean?

NADINE

Yep. Something inside me smells a bad, bad boy.

SAM

Does that mean you’ll go out with me?

NADINE

Sure, why not. Hanging around with you could be more exciting than I thought.

SAM

Oh absolutely! Maximum excitement! We could… rob a bank!

NADINE

Whoa! Slow down Jesse James! Maybe we oughta start with jaywalking.

SAM

(to Medium) Doc, I take back everything I said. You’re a miracle worker!

MEDIUM

Many thanks, but my part in this was small. All I did was to help you to see each other in a new way.

(Listen to THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN)
(The entire cast sing THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN.)

THE FIRST TIME ALL OVER AGAIN

SAM and NADINE

We’re not really strangers

But I have the strangest deja vu

It feels like I’m meeting you

For the first time all over again

HENRY and EUNICE

We’re not really strangers

Though nothing has changed so very much

I can’t wait to feel your touch

For the first time all over again

MEDIUM

Now that you know

Don’t ever forget

All people hide

Many faces inside

EUNICE

My Caeser!

HENRY

Ah! My sweet Suzette!

ALL

We’re not really strangers

So let’s rearrange an old expression

We can make a good impression

For the first time all over again

End.

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We had a nice turn-out for the performance. My friends Jennifer McGrady Fogarty and Richard Frang came all the way to Glendale from Castaic. Mom and Dad visited from Long Island (Mom took all these pics). This couple of musical theater writers happened to be visiting Pasadena then too, and it turned out the woman had dated one of my dad’s colleagues at Nassau Community College in NY. I’ve forgotten their names now, unfortunately.